Oh Shtick!

Imagine yourself driving in your car on a beautiful, sunny day ...

Then someone cuts you off and you question their driving skills ...

With no gesture of their apology, you show them your gratitude ...

And then send them off on their merry way ...

But not before reminding them what they truly are deep down inside ...

Drive safely, otherwise you might get Shticked.

This message is brought to you by Shticks, courtesy of my sister Kimbo.

Behind Closed Shower Doors

Chad: What are you going to wear tonight?

Me: I don't know. I'm SO fat. Like, for real. Look at this. (I step on scale) I don't feel that fat. Look at me, I'm fat. This jello has some jiggle again. (I get in shower)

Chad: Argh.

Me: What? I can't hear you.

Chad: Argh.

Me: What? (I open shower door to hear him better)

Chad: Argh.

Me: Spell it.

Chad: A-R-G-H

Me: Arth?

Chad: A-R-G-H, Argh.

Me: Use it in a sentence.

Chad: Argggggggh.

Me: Argggg. Like a pirate? Argggg, me matey?

Chad: No, Argh, I'm so fat, Argh.

Me: Got it.

Snort, Hock and Spit (or Shoot)

When did spitting or blowing snot rockets in public become okay? I live with someone who often has sinus infections, post nasal drip and allergies that all bring on the constant Snort, Hock and Spit syndrome. He is kind enough to do it in private for the most part and discreet when disposing of it in public.

I can't seem to go anywhere without being witness to this gross habit. Not only do I see men doing it, I see women! Oh my gawd, what is wrong with these people? To make my skin crawl a little more, I often hear people sucking it back first. Vomit, seriously that it disgusting.

Although I do have more sympathy for those who suffer from having this boogerish phlegm stuck in the back of your throat but seriously, they sell stuff to help you. It's called a Neti Pot, antihistamines, decongestants and tissue. As for those who just spit to spit ... you aren't cool and you are just dehydrating yourself.

Maybe they should have a Loogie Conference every year for these habitual offenders. They should hold it in Alabama.

My Mysterious Car in Apalachicola

Are we in Sickelville? Does the Owner or Driver of this vehicle have sickel cell? Are they working for sickel cell? Are they a mobile testing vehicle for sickel cell? Did they know that sickel cell is really spelled sickLE not sickEL?

Are we in Beefy Boy Town? Does the Owner or Driver of this vehicle have a beefy boy? Is the owner or driver of the car a beefy boy? Are they working for beefy boy? Are they a mobile testing vehicle for beefy boy? Did they know that beefy boy is a tomato?

The Big Tree

Home Sweet Home - October 2005

Our house is turning six years old this October. It doesn't feel like it has been that long but at lot has changed in this time. Just like us, our little home had a meager beginning. Basic was the name of the game. Builder carpeting, flat interior paint, and a hodge podge of furniture. We had big dreams and a small bank account. Not much has changed in that department but over the years we were able to change and upgrade our abode, a little at a time. When one project ends, another begins. It isn't hard to see how you could lose track of the time and not stop to smell the roses notice your big tree.

June 2010

Our mailbox is located down the street from our house so I normally drive down there on the way home to pick up the mail. The other week I decided to take a walk. On the way back on noticed this gargantuan of a tree.

When the heck did this happen? Have you stopped to smell your roses lately?

iCrap

My iPhone. We have a love-hate relationship. Lately it's been a lot of hating even though it is the only cell phone I've owned in 10 years that still works at the end of my contract. Well, sort of works.

I've had the huge, annoying beeping Nextels, some other phones I can't remember, the Blackberries where the roller balls stop working about 6 months in, and then the iPhone. I usually upgrade every year which is usually when my phone is all beat to hell anyway but dear ol' Ingrid (iPhone) is still hanging in there two years later.

I've had to resort to downgrading the firmware because just dialing a phone number was similar to using 1990's style dial up internet service.

(Hit 4) Wait, wait, wait ... 4
(Hit 0) Wait, wait, wait ... 0

I'm impatient and Ingrid was about to get chucked out the window if she didn't get her act together. But then I heard a rumor of a new iPhone coming out this Fall. The 5! Oh boy! I own the 3g. No, not the 3gs, just the old freaking dinosaur 3g. I actually got it in a month before the 3gs came out. Well, I know better this time although I am hoping I can really hang in there until the new model comes out.

In order to do this I did the all time bad thing as far as Apple is concerned. I jail broke it. Now that was a feat in itself. I'm no techy by any sorts but after 8 hours of trying, reinstalling, and restoring ... I did it. Holy sheet! Thank you YouTube! Now if I could only figure out this Cydia business. Arg.

Vultures, Buzzards the Demise of the Gator

New Year's 2010 we discovered a new friend living in the pond in our backyard ... Gary (or Gail) the Gator.

We grew accustom to looking out our window to see if he/she would pop it's head out of the water and often talked about the daily events of our little friend and wondered where it went when we didn't see it. We began to like our Gator buddy but just like that it was gone.

I discovered it belly up in the water 3 houses down from ours on Friday. There were about 20 vultures having a dinner party that featured our little Gary (or Gail). I ran inside to get the Hubby.

Me: You have to come see this.
Him: What are all those buzzards doing?
Me: Having a vulture dinner party.
Him: Buzzards
Me: Vultures
Him: Buzzards
Me: I'll google it.

And so I did. For the most part, the words are interchangeable. I was surprised to find that there are so many types of scavenging birds. I did locate the ones we had that were feasting on our friend ... the Black Vulture. What I found most interesting about them was how the fed.

"Vulture stomach acid is exceptionally corrosive, allowing them to safely digest putrid carcasses infected with Botulinum toxin, hog cholera, and anthrax bacteria that would be lethal to other scavengers. This also enables them to use their reeking, corrosive vomit as a defensive projectile when threatened. Vultures urinate straight down their legs; the uric acid kills bacteria accumulated from walking through carcasses, and also acts as evaporative cooling."

Projectile acid vomit?! That is freaking awesome!

Holy Shish Kabob!

24 days into the new year and I'm really struggling with one of my resolutions. I vowed to curb my cursing but I've found it is much easier said than done. I've tried to replace my vulgar words with more kid friendly verbiage but, Sugar just doesn't have the same zing that S@&# does. With that said, I'm trying to find some inoffensive language with some pizazz and this is what I've come up with:

• Asterisk
• Biswankay
• Blowhole
• Frack
• Stuff
• Turkey